Katie Troutman is a dear friend and very fine writer….Her poetry is something sublime to me. I am so happy that she offers up her verse for the reading and comments of people reading this blog.
Katie, these are, at first glance (and I am sure the next and the next glances) lovely.
Any poetry crits anyone ??
Lady Nyo
Katie:
I am in love with this idea of poetry and sharing! I will post some of mine now-and hope the crits will help me make them more refined.
Katie
MY SISTER
She brushes her hair
catches it in a shiny clasp
smiles toward the mirror
secure in its curl and shine
she ignores her body
draped in shapeless clothes
We can’t see inside her,
Will never know the stories
of her beautiful youth.
This woman, alone,
lives in silent memories
of eternal adoration
————————————–
NURSING ASSISTANT
I watch her face
as she tries to form words
soft jaw trembling
over once familiar motions
When I concentrate
her former self surfaces
through sagging skin
subtle straightening of shoulders
There are suddenly
faint sparks in her eyes
her hands lift gracefully
as she reaches towards me
How much longer? She whispers
I hold her hand, shake my head
I don’t know if she’s asking
about dinner
or death
WHAT YOU LEFT NEHIND
The dusty books are stacked
unevenly
holding up the corner
of an end table
wire hangers crowd the bar
in the closet
others thrown carelessly on the floor
threadbare carpet
meets worn linoleum
where the living room
moves into the kitchen
Brown lumps on the counter could be washcloths
dull silver filigree
edges the bathroom mirror
In it, I search for some sign
some reason
that will bring you back
but there is no color
or sound
or welcome back
in anything
you left behind
———————————
UNIVERSE
There is no flight
that takes you farther
than your own mind
there is no place
more lonely
than your own heart
Tags: freeverse, Kathleen Troutman, poetry, Poetry Criticism, Poetry Group
June 11, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Thought provoking.
Wonderful poetry.
shia
June 11, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Thank you, Jane, for hosting this “poetry workshop”! What a great idea!
———-
Hello Katie!
I haven’t read very many of your poems, so seeing four new poems here is a real treat!
There is a beautiful poignancy about these pieces. They are suffused with a plaintive language that is disarmingly simple yet swells with emotional and insightful depths. Wonderful stuff!
I’ve made some detailed comments and suggestions below. Please feel free to use or ignore these suggestions, as you see fit.
> MY SISTER
A beautiful poem that, if anything, I felt was a bit too short – I wanted more!
We are presented with an intriguing contrast between the attention she takes with her hair and the inattention she shows towards her clothes. But what makes her do that? I felt like I needed some sort of explanation…
The other thing that left me intrigued (and somewhat perplexed) was the last line. Was it someone else that had adored her, or was it referring to someone that she had adored? It wasn’t clear to me and I felt like I wanted to know, to have that clarity so that I could understand this woman better.
So, overall, I felt that this poetic portrait was vivid and touching, but it seemed to me to need one or two more stanzas to show us a couple more layers of the woman’s psychology and history.
> NURSING ASSISTANT
A moving portrait, and the ironic answer to the woman’s question in the final stanza highlighted the pathos of the scene.
> soft jaw trembling
Perhaps add “her” at the beginning of this line?
> When I concentrate
> her former self surfaces
> through sagging skin
> subtle straightening of shoulders
I like the ’s’ alliterations here because they’re not coy or pretentious, they’re subtle, effective and they just work!
> There are suddenly
Perhaps “Suddenly there are”?
> How much longer? She whispers
Perhaps lowercase “she”?
> I hold her hand, shake my head
> I don’t know if she’s asking
> about dinner
> or death
Beautifully written, so sad…
> WHAT YOU LEFT BEHIND
A poem that oozes the empty feeling when a loved one is no longer around…
I think some of the wording could be tightened up here and there, made more succinct. I offer the following as suggestions only, to ponder:
> The dusty books are stacked
> unevenly
> holding up the corner
> of an end table
>
> wire hangers crowd the bar
> in the closet
> others thrown carelessly on the floor
Dusty books
are stacked unevenly
holding up the corner
of a table
wire hangers
crowd the closet
others lie carelessly
on the floor
> threadbare carpet
> meets worn linoleum
> where the living room
> moves into the kitchen
Perhaps use “meets the kitchen” to parallel “meets worn linoleum”?
> Brown lumps on the counter could be washcloths
A moment of dark humour here, very good! Perhaps put “could be washcloths” on a new line to accentuate the humorous turn?
> In it, I search for some sign
The “In it” part of this line doesn’t feel quite right to me for some reason. This is just an idea I had, to ponder:
I gaze into it
searching for some sign
> some reason
> that will bring you back
> but there is no color
> or sound
> or welcome back
> in anything
> you left behind
“welcome back” seems a bit awkward and it creates an unnecessary repetition of “back” in the stanza too. Here’s another idea I had – again, just a food-for-thought suggestion:
but there is
no color
no sound
no life
in anything
you left behind
> UNIVERSE
> There is no flight
> that takes you farther
> than your own mind
> there is no place
> more lonely
> than your own heart
A lovely aphoristic poem, and one that I can relate to completely!
I think the succinctness could be enhanced if the two occurences of “own” and the second occurence of “there is” were omitted. Try it, see what you think!
Katie, these poems reveal a sensitive and poetic soul. They are subtle but powerful, straightforward in their language yet full of depth. I look forward to seeing more of your work – somewhere, sometime! Thank you for sharing these poems here.
Nick