The Grooming Behavior of a Sexual Predator

Last week I received a phone call from an uncle. He is an 86 year old man who has been married three times, and now lives alone in a trailer in the mountains. I have had no contact with this relative for over 50 years, except when I saw him at my father’s funeral in 1989.

This summer he started calling me. I was delighted because I have no contact with anyone from my mother’s family. But my guard was down and I didn’t know what was to come.

This uncle was considered a ‘run around’ when my aunt (who died last week at 89) divorced him after finding a girdle (not hers!) in the glove compartment of their car. This uncle also had three children, two daughters and a son who died a couple of years ago.

When I was a child and then a teen, my father took great measures to protect my virtue and my safety from other men. He was Hungarian, and had 5 brothers. They were protective of their daughters and also me. When my father died, my Uncle Zoltan made sure I didn’t feel I didn’t have that support anymore. He was wonderful and supportive in my grief. Then a few years ago he died. All my uncles have died except this 86 year old man.

Apparently, when I was a very young teenager, one neighbor made a sexual comment about me and my father cold cocked him and threw him out of the car. Hopefully while it was still moving. My father was a very gentle man and non-violent, but this was where he drew the line.

I was fortunate in having such a parent. Many women don’t and they suffer because of the lack. My father was my champion my entire life, though I didn’t realize it until a few years before his death.

This uncle started calling me around June of last year. He wanted to visit us in Atlanta. He kept pressing me about this, phone call after phone call. I didn’t really want him here because our house is still under renovation and the stairs are steep in this 1880’s house. He apparently walks with a cane and there were risks to his safety. However, as the phone calls continued, I realize this uncle was rather….weird.

He knew I had been a belly dancer and just about every call he made he mentioned my dancing for him. It made me uncomfortable. And it should have.

A one point he made mention that he was on Viagra. I didn’t pick up on what he was attempting. Last week he called and told me that “when I was a teen and he saw me in a bathing suit, he masturbated.”

I was shocked into silence. I felt numb. What 86 year old man says this to a niece? A perverted old man, a child predator. A man very sick in the head.

In one blow I felt violated. I felt dirty. I was completely innocent of any wrong doing, but I blamed myself. This is common with women who are abused in some way. There was no reason, it was illogical, and I realize that, but when a relative, who is supposed to protect family does this…it is horrible. There is bound to be fallout.

I felt ashamed of my own sexuality. And this is rotten, again illogical. I have nothing to be ashamed about. This is what a sexual predator does, and it weakens the confidence of the victim. I was all of 15? What man gets aroused by a girl at 15? A child predator.

I talked to Liz my dear, older therapist. Apparently he was ‘grooming’ me for his advantage. I studied psychology for years but forgot this ‘grooming’ issue. These phone calls, at first innocent enough, were then progressing (on his part) to see whether I was ‘interested’, how he could entice me. This is the route predators take. But it was in tiny increments so I wouldn’t pick up on his intentions so fast.

I was not interested. I went from uncomfortable to outrage. He has two grown daughters, amongst other children from other marriages. Did he do the same when he saw them in bathing suits? I don’t want to know, but I do know that I will never, ever speak to him again.

Had my dear father known what he was about, he would have done much more than cold-cocking him. Now that my husband knows what he is about he better never come around. My husband will deal with him in the sharpest terms. And so will a number of my male relatives and friends. Hell, my German Shepherd will make him sorry for breathing.

In trying to understand this issue of ‘grooming’….I came across a statement from “Abuse Survivor”:

“Sexual offenses are most often planned. They are not usually impulsive acts or mistakes. Sexual offenders do things to “set up” potential victims in an effort to manipulate them into sexual situations. Some grooming behaviors are done to try to get the potential victim interested in the offender or to see how the potential victim may react if a sexual advance is made. Grooming is part of a process in the actions offenders engage in that leads up to the actual offense. Grooming can also involve threats, bribes, or coercive acts. Grooming behaviors are sexual abuse “red flags.” Coercion is when tricks, power, status, threats, bribes, drugs, alcohol, or force is used to manipulating a person into doing something. The pedophile four F’s are Friendship, Fantasy, Fear, Force. “

This ‘uncle’ didn’t get beyond the first of proffered ‘friendship’. That was a blessing for me.

What a nasty, dirty old man! I guess perverts come in all ages.

My husband (and my dear cousin Donnie, who is the son of Uncle Zoltan) and friends have been wonderfully supportive. I still am reeling from this last phone call, but now at least, I can put him out of my life for a very good and solid reason. He is a predator and I can understand why he is alone. I have no sympathy for him. God perhaps will forgive his behavior, but I don’t have to.

Jane Kohut-Bartels
Copyrighted, 2013

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13 Responses to “The Grooming Behavior of a Sexual Predator”

  1. misschameleon Says:

    Having gone through a similar experience, I understand and feel your anger and your pain, and send you my love and support as you work through this.

  2. ladynyo Says:

    Miss Chameleon, THANK YOU!

    I am sure that there are those people out there who wonder why I could write something so personal. But these predators count on the shock and unwarrented shame that THEIR actions and behaviors create. They count on the silence and darkness to continue their behavior.

    I am so sorry you yourself have gone through something as devestating as this, though this pervert waited 50 years to drop his filth on me. At any time, when these things are revealed, they produce fallout.

    Thank you for your love and support. I’ll come through this, as you have yourself. We are stronger than these perverted fools and we won’t let them (or others who don’t understand or create blame….I have family memebers who would do so because of their own mental isues and ignorance) have their perverted victory over us.

    Hugs,

    Lady Nyo who is very, very angry right now. But even this takes energy and creativity away from us. It will pass but we will come out the better for all of this.

  3. Napa Says:

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  4. ladynyo Says:

    Thank you. I did it myself….painfully.

    Lady Nyo

  5. exciting Says:

    Tremendous things here. I’m very happy to peer your article. Thanks so much and I am taking a look ahead to touch you. Will you please drop me a e-mail?

    In a word: “No”. Lady Nyo

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  7. jaz Says:

    I had encounter a little similarity…my grandmother lived in santa barbara and sometimes will come down to visit..one time she came down with her new boyfriend and i gave them a ride to visit her sister.i never notice anything weird until my grandma moved in with me and took her boyfriend with her. In some ocassions the old guy came up to me and say” hey come here you look good today! ” i never took it dirty at first because i was thinking maybe it was just compliment but i thought in my head still kinda weird .i thought he was completely harmless until me my daughter was playing in bed room i took her sleeping in the floor and fell asleep in the room..i forgot to lock my door…i woke up my door was wide open…i remember closing it but i thought i forgot locking it..lights was off and tv was on.i walked to the kitchen to get water when i came back the old guy is inside my room standing in front of the tv..i was so scared i ask him what are you doing here..are you looking for the bathroom..he didnt say anything…i was scared cant go back to sleep..next day my grandma says all kinds of excuses he was taking meds he left out a cane and he never look like hes limping or weak…hes as strong as an ox..when i was washing dishes..our kitchen is pretty small he walk out of the door kitchen so close to me that it almost touch my skin and back..i was disgusted..i caught him staring at me from the outside screen door and staring at my daughter throug the window straight from the living room..i had to close the curtain…i told my little sister who is 18..im 35 my daughtet is 7 …i told my mom several times cry and beg her to not have him live here in my house but she said nothing happen so its ok…shes more worried that her mom is old and need somebody with her and he help her pay the bills..im so angry..what kind of mother who would about money instead of safety and her daughters sake! Im trying with all my might to move out here as soon as i can..im not gonna wait till it happen! The guy also damage alot of my stuff from telling on him and hating him my tires..my new vacuum..my ipad from school,my bracelet..i didnt know that my doorlock is open :-(

  8. ladynyo Says:

    I’m so sorry you had this experience. You are very right to be concerned…for your daughter and for yourself.

    Perverts come in all ages. And they are sneaky and make many excuses for their ‘behavior’. It usually isn’t a mistake, they are trying to get an advantage. They work slowly most times in a family setting so they don’t alarm people.

    Please, get some help, either from a counseler, police, minister, tell someone! It’s a terrible thing to have to juggle life and these people.

    Again, if he seems like he is stalking you, watching you or/and your daughter, your instincts probably are right.

    Don’t be afraid to confront him, but try to do this in the presence and with the support of someone whom you can trust. First tell your suspicions to this person, then confront him.

    This was a shock to me that this old uncle that I had not had anything to do with for 50 years would do this. Don’t tolerate his behavior because of fear or embarassment. Your daughter’s safety, and your own are at stake here.

    Many times relatives are more concerned with their own situation and don’t want to face the truth. IF you are uncomfortable with this man, trust your instinct. Talk to someone…find someone you can trust.

    These people don’t do these things by accident, but that is usually the fallback excuse.

    Lady Nyo

  9. Caliban's Sister Says:

    My God. First, what a disgusting repellant man your uncle is. I hope he reads this blog so he can see how people are responding. GOOD for you for “outing” this perverted animal for the world to see. I never had to deal with anything like that in my FOO, thank God. But I do believe that my father was frightened of his own sexual reactions to his teenage daughters. His response was to completely pull away from us, often in anger. I think this because one time I borrowed his razor to shave my legs and he got furious. I was 16–he yelled at me “what’s next? using my prophylactics?” I didn’t even know what the word meant until he yelled it at me (of course I went and looked it up). Another time my boyfriend and I were sitting on our front lawn, on a summer early eve, enjoying the birds, and we kissed. It was an innocent kiss, nothing sexual about it, but rather, affectionate. Later when he went home and I went inside, my father was furious at me: “What will the neighbors think about such behavior? Your mother and I don’t fuck on the front lawn!” I was so shocked, I couldn’t understand why he was so angry. This was a man who had a Playboy magazine subscription and the magazines came each week to our house. My mother used to put them on top of his bedroom dresser for him. I remember looking in them and seeing photos of young women who were at most only 5 or 6 yrs older than I was. He had no interest in talking with me or my sister (2 yrs younger), just avoided us like the plague.

  10. ladynyo Says:

    Helli CS! Thank you so much for reading that entry. Yes, he is a totally repellant person. What is more shocking to me is the response of my brother. A very mild one word “disturbing”. But this is part of the poison of the Narcissist Tree. Someone said….oh, he just doesn’t know how to respond. What???? He’s supposed to be a preacher….and one would think he would have an opinion, but what is behind this is the same reaction that my ‘mother’ had when I told her a few years ago that a neighbor put his hand on my crotch at 12. She just went on about how she never liked these people…nothing to the shock of what I endured in his house as a pre teen. Truly, the toxic behavior and reaction of a narcissist. They can’t think of anything except what pretains to themselves. Even their children are sacrified….Especially their children!

    Oh, your father! Shocking enough, and they never think that we never expect to hear these words at 16 from parents! My dear father was about as opposite from the mother as possible, but he was blocked in just about every display of genuine, fatherly affection. the N=mother was jealous of all women, including her daughter.

    It just goes on and on. The layers of toxins are just revealed with each shovel full, or attempt at any connection with siblings.

    There is only one way to sanity. To go No Contact and stay the course. Hard but necessary. Funny, talking with male members of my father’s family, there was no pussy footing around. They were outraged. As one would expect a normal man to be. But as to my mother’s side of the family? Hah. The apples don’t fall far from the Narcissist’s Tree. What is saddest to me is not his reaction, but that his ‘closeness’ to the NM has robbed him of his humanity, though he has no idea of her fruits. But so it goes….we protect ourselves from this toxin.

    The world is a good place, with wonderful men and women….compassionate and those who can display empathy. We just drew bad cards in the game of Fate.

    Thank you, CS, for reading and your insightful comment.

    PS> for something to clean the palette of this nastiness…read if you have the time….the last entry on this blog about John O’Donohue. “The Mystery never Leaves Us.” It’s a wonderful man who has left us too early. I am not a Christian, in fact have been queered off Christianity by the behavior of others who consider themselves so. You can see why. But O’Donohue makes me yearn for some belief system. J.

    Lady Nyo

  11. Caliban's Sister Says:

    Will read latest now. I posted a link to your blog over at CS. Between your brother and CZ’s sister, these holier-than-thou’s are too much to bear. Religiosity hides so many personality disorders.

  12. ladynyo Says:

    Oh Wonderful! Thank you so much. I’ll link you here, too.

    You know what? 10 years ago I wrote something about my narcissist mother on a small website and my sisterinlaw (hadn’t even met her and have only seen her three times in 15 years) copied it out and sent it to the NM. It percipitated 10 years of silence from the old bat and everyone around her. Got a letter from my brother saying: We are watching you. LOL! Well, both brothers are the golden children and I the scapegoat, but not unusual as mother hates women. Typical narcisist. If there are two women in the room, one has to leave. And it won’t be her.

    the religiousity of this ‘disturbing…” brother is what turned me off Christianity for decades. But I understand. He had to make something…something for him, because the air was rather thin around the n-mother and the father who drank. Becoming a preacher played into his natural charms… Narcissists suck you dry. That’s what supply line is all about.

    Religiousity hides so many personality disorders. Yep, like the molesting priests and the hunting down gays by Ugandan Christians…. really sick stuff.

    If this is Christianity, I want to move wayyyy down the bench from these monsters.

    thanks, CS for reading and your comments. I hope you like the O’Donohue article.

    Jane

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