fast to the questions. I have known him for a while and know John to be a man of integrity. He has become a good friend and is always ready for discussion on these tricky issues of D/s and bdsm behaviors.
avatara is a Gorean woman with incredible insight into all these issues. She has been a great mentor to me as I try to understand these D/s issues. She also has become a firm friend and is generous with her knowledge, which is extensive. She is a deep thinker and I value her opinions on these issues.
L.N: What do you believe constitutes a “Good Dominant”? Or more so what characteristics do you think makes a good Dominant?
John Taurus: The same characteristics that constitute character are the same regardless of what community on chooses to be in. Knowing and respecting generally recognized protocols naturally are necessary for any community one chooses to be in, and bdsm is no different. So, to be “good”, on needs to spend the necessary time learning the protocols in order to be respectful of them.
LN: How do you develop trust with a new submissive? What are some of the issues with this? Is it a particularly “sticky” issue generally? Have you had other submissives where prior experience has led them to have ‘trust’ issues? How fundamental and deep can these go? Do you do anything ‘special’ to win the trust of someone who has had a bad experience?
JT: A dominant develops trust by being trustworthy; that is, staying within his integrity– doing what he will do, by when he says he will do it, and doing things that way he knows they’re supposed to be done. And if he errs, then he owns up to it and doesn’t step over it, but cleans up anything he needs to be responsible for.
LN: We hear a lot that respect is earned, not demanded. How do you think this is done? What has been helpful in your own practice?
JT: Personal integrity and honor lie at the heart of earning respect. It has to do with character.
LN: Many Doms say they cultivate submissives because they feel this is their nature to do so. But some do have the nature of predators as some of submissives have already reported in their interviews. What can a submissive watch out for to not fall into the clutches of a predator?
JT: A man who asserts that he’s a Dom, and who says he cultivates submissives because he feels this is in his nature should run as fast away from him as she can. Does it really take a 2″x4″ up side her head to get her attention?
LN: Where does negotiation begin? At what point within the relationship?
JT: Negotiation should begin when a Dom and a sub begin discussions on play together or on entering into a relationship, regardless of what nature and form the relationship takes or is anticipated to take.
LN: Where does friendship play into any of this? There are Doms who hold themselves aloof from any friendship. Do you see this as a problem?
JT: Anybody, dom or sub who holds themselves aloof from friendship probably has some underlying unresolved psychological issues and I would counsel caution with these particular individuals.
LN: Further, if the issue of sexual needs comes into play, as it seems it sometimes does, how can this relationship bypass exploitative means if no friendship from the Dom is offered? Is it a warning sign if a Dom expresses up front that there isn’t to be some kind of friendship or affection? Is affection a lead into other issues?
JT: Some people reason, and a good argument can be made for their position, that “casual sex” (regardless of how one frames it to fit a bdsm context) is honorable as long as a full disclosure preceeds that act itself. I have observed subs who will claim to be entering such a relationship of their own free will and accord, and who state that they understand and accept the terms; but more often than not it leads to emotional attachment and emotional pain. It’s enough to make a dom want to avoid casual sex, just so he can avoid all the emotional entanglement that comes from doing so. My personal opinion is that women who try to be emotionally like men (ie. empty and meaningless sexual activities for recreation) are going against their natural make-up, and the probability of emotional pain is increased and sometimes significantly.
LN: Is Mentoring the same as Domming? Is there a difference? Is sexual behavior allowed or should be allowed in a mentoring relationship? Discipline? Punishment? Rituals?
JT: A mentor should not be sexual with the person they are mentoring; doing so totally changes the nature of the relationship. A Mentor is a person who strives to help the person being mentored gain skill or knowledge in the community, and who holds themselves out as a friend who can be trusted. Punishment seems to me to be inappropriate; but discipline and rituals can certainly be part of the mentoring responsibilities.
LN: Are there distinct differences in mentoring and being a Dom? Some feel that a Dom calling themselves “Mentor” is another way to avoid the responsibilities of a Dom. They can take what they want from the relationship with the sub, and avoid the responsibility of domination. It then just becomes an issue of control no the part of the the so-proclaimed Mentor. Do you agree with this?
JT: Yes. I agree that there are dishonorable people around who are exploitative and predatory.
LN: What do you see are the responsibilities to a submissive from a Dominant? Should a submissive have a negotiated program from the beginning? How is a submissive developed without a particular program based on her strengths from the start? What is she to do with her time and how can she avoid the pitfalls of a Dom who is not really interested in her development, or doesn’t have the time for this in the real world?
JT: You ask a lot of questions! A Dom’s responsibilities are to stay within his integrity–do what he agrees to do within the boundaries of the negotiated arrangements. The questions you ask should be addressed by the negotiations, and these should be structured to fit the individuals involved. Sometimes the sub needs to teach her Dom a few things–I mean just because he is a Dom doesn’t mean he knows everything does it? Also, a Dom is not a mind reader, so a sub has the responsibility to communicate with her Dom. Does this sound similar to a vanilla relationship? They are more similar than dissimilar!
Thank you, John, for some very helpful answers.
avatara has some answers from her own experience that will be next.
Lady Nyo: What was it that made you feel you were a submissive or slave?
avatara: As phoenix expressed, I have always been a nurturing, caring, serving person, long before I ever heard of Gor, or M/s, or anything else. It is who I am at my core.
Lady Nyo: How long did you feel this way before you searched out some relief?
avatara: I don’t know that I ever felt a sense of pressure or lack of relief, because I didn’t know anything to gauge it against. I found ways to express my nature, such as remembering all the likes and dislikes of my partner, and making sure that they had those things most of the time. I expressed it in making sure there were always clean clothes and good meals cooked. I expressed it in making sure the environment of the home was, mostly, to his liking, etc. I did the same wherever I was, in family gatherings, etc., I has always helping with the work and serving in some way. If not actively doing something, I was there making others feel comfortable and contributing to their well being. The only time I actually fought the expression of my submission was toward the end of my marriage when I was so depressed I was barely able to function for myself. I never actually fought my nature itself.
Lady Nyo: Where you scared to even admit to this politically incorrect issue?
avatara: No, it never occurred to me to be other than I was, or to apologize for it. I’ve always been a rebel and never “fit in” with the rest of society, even in school, so it wasn’t scared, or even much bothered. It came as the most beautiful breath of fresh air to read a book that actually told me what I was, and justified me, to myself. I felt that I had always been a slave in terms of a deeply submissive woman, and to find out that there were actually people out there who knew what that was and wanted it? OMG, I can’t tell you how incredible that was. Again as phoenix stated, it was a natural as breathing, how could I deny it or be afraid of it?
Lady Nyo: Did you trust yourself or him easily?
avatara: I always was far too trusting of people, simply because I couldn’t believe bad about anyone. Throughout my life, if someone failed me, I assumed it was a lack on my part, not that they might be at fault <smiles> Submitting is so natural for me that I, like phoenix, don’t even realize it. Master will comment sometimes that my posture or expression was perhaps a little too submissive, when we meet other men. I have always trusted myself, for good or ill, but getting in touch with my deepest nature, forgiving myself for my past, and forgiving others, has taught me that I am truly worthy of my own trust.
Lady Nyo: Did you crave his control?
avatara: When you say control, do you mean physical control or emotional control? There is a vast difference. I have this internal control mechanism that is so strong, all it requires is a “look” from Master to make me realize I have overstepped. Usually it is something small, and the correction is immediate. I am harder on myself than he has ever been, but that is true of most healthy, deeply submissive women. I don’t require control to be myself, so I guess it comes down to the fact of being at his feet, or rather, being able to be with him.
Lady Nyo: Did you fight him:?
avatara: Well, unless you consider initial fear to be fighting, no <smiles> We first met online, and I “felt” his strength and character even there. What he made me feel, just by his presence was frightening to me. I hadn’t had much experience at that time, so tried to stay away from him. Finally I realized that there was a reason for the feelings so I approached him and we talked. We spent many months and several visits getting to know each other, and I learned that I could trust him implicitly. There was no reason to fight him after that because I know he won’t ever ask me to do, or be something harmful.
Lady Nyo: Did you ever care about the asymmetrical relationship?
avatara: No, not really. By the time we met, I had spent too many years in relationships that forced me to be dominant. I was grateful to be able to express my submission in ways that didn’t make me vulnerable…which sounds strange, but I knew he was trustworthy, thus I was free to completely submit to him. Knowing that I no longer had to be responsible to making decisions was wonderful, and freeing. Once I didn’t have to make them, I didn’t have any trouble doing so <smiles> at least the ones he wanted me to make. I never viewed life as “fair” or “unfair”, it was simply life. My Grandmothers probably didn’t think some things were fair either, but it was their “place” in life and they served with joy and love. How could I do otherwise.
Lady Nyo: Did you seek a particular philosophy? Like Gorean for example?
avatara: I consider myself to be Gorean because I read the books, studied what some of the best Gorean apologists alive had written, and literally thought my way through the series multiple times. What makes me who I am is not the man at whose feet I sit, but rather, what my nature dictates I am. Accepting my nature and living it, I believe, is the core message of the books. Because my Master is also a Gorean is complimentary, but we don’t make each other Gorean, we simply are already.
Lady Nyo: Did you have a hard time revealing your thoughts?
avatara:Yes. I had never considered my life, or myself, important enough to talk about, so when people asked me questions, I would usually re-direct the questions to them. I’m sure there are people out there today who wish I was still quiet <grin> Now, I realize I am a beautiful, vibrant, wise, submissive woman, and that I have knowledge that others might benefit from. I don’t go out selling it, but I make sure I am there for those who want to know.
Lady Nyo: Was he gentle with you in the beginning?
avatara: I wouldn’t say he was ever gentle, except perhaps in the areas where gentle are acceptable. He was self-assured and made sure I knew that his word was law. He never had to physically correct me, but just once, he told me I should perhaps reconsider my “place” with him. Just the hint that I would lose my condition as slave with him, devastated me like nothing else I have ever felt. It wasn’t even a matter of losing “him”, but my position with him. It amazed and astounded me, and maybe him, but I think he already knew what my reaction would be.
Lady Nyo: Did you want to submit to him fast? Or was it a long process?
avatara: The submission was there for him the minute he came online the first time. It isn’t something that one turns on or off, but it is always there. It calls out and draws people who recognize it. Having been introduced by a common friend I already knew he was a decent, trustworthy man, but we spent time getting to know each other before he accepted my submission to him.
Lady Nyo: Where do you think you are now in your path?
avatara: Sometimes I wonder what will happen to me if anything should happen to my Master, but I choose to celebrate the day, not worry about the future. Will I still be myself if I am not at his feet? Of course. He didn’t make me who and what I am. Will I feel the need to find another Master? I can’t say at this point. I know that I will be happier being able to serve a man, but it isn’t what makes me whole, it is just an expression of what is already there. So, for now, I am living and loving my life as a deeply submissive, submitted and committed woman at the feet of a man. Grateful for the opportunity, and for my friends.
Thank you, both, John Taurus and avatara for doing this interview. I know it helps to understand these issues by thinking deeply on your responses and also to read , as in avatara’s writing, her life and experiences. They make great promise and sense to me.
avatara’s weblog is found here:
http://gorphilosophylifestyle.yuku.com/directory
Tags: bdsm, D/s, Gorean, submission
Lady Nyo's Weblog 
Leave a Reply