A submissive responds….From Pat.

Since this entry seems to pop up from time to time, with other entries on D/s, submission, I have a word of caution here.

A few years ago I was involved with a man in Montreal, who called himself Mackenzie Cross, but his real name was Jerry.  He ‘promised’ enhancement, and because I was stupid and naive, I fell for his gab.  He was a silver tongued devil, but in the end, he was just a liar. A calculated liar.

Where I have put forth praise of submission, etc….I want to backtrack.  I was involved (really on the outskirts mostly) in bdsm because I thought it might have some answers.  It didn’t.

My experience was this:  Most of the so-called ‘doms’ I met, online and in person…were wanky, insecure, massively unbalanced and stupid men.  Some obviously, because of physical deficiences….fat, unattractive,  bad personalities, or outright psychosis, were not able to attract women in the ‘normal’ ways.  They sat behind computers because then they could be anything to anyone.  Those I met in person?  They had their own bag of issues:  many of these men are just players and fit the catagory above.  Sociopaths LOVE computers.

As for the women? These ‘submissives’?  Many of them were desperate, lard-assed women who just wanted a man to pay attention to them, to micro-manage them so they didn’t have to bother with their lives….sounds so ‘freeing’. Yeah, I really want a man to give me permission to go to the loo or when to sit down.

And surprisingly, most of these women are married, as was I.  What disturbs me most is the constant disloyalty of these women towards their husbands:  In many cases, every morsel of food they put in their mouths comes from the labor of their husbands.  But they have no problem talking about them on their blogs like they are dogs. This disloyalty is destructive to marriage and  says much more about themselves than their husbands.

My marriage survived this jackass in Montreal.  I survived this experience.  But in no way was it an ’empowering’ or ‘enhancing’ experience.  It was a stupid, demeaning hell.

Only by realizing that I didn’t need the so-called ‘help’ of a man who was nothing but a sham and a liar….that empowerment was something I already had spades of, ….did I come out of that stupid and insulting period.

Understanding yourself, what you self-worth really is, is the answer to all the nastiness of the world.  Once you understand this, you don’t need these terribly unequal relationships.

I would advise those who are truly seeking answers, or are confused about this crap, to read the website of EOPC:

http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com

Lady Nyo, aka Jane

It surprised me when Jane invited me to contribute to this open
conversation about Domination and Submission that she’s hosting. After
all, I’m so new at this I don’t even qualify as a newbie…I haven’t
even got that far yet! I guess you could say that I have only just begun
to explore some mysterious impulses I’ve noticed in myself. Impulses
that I can only guess may mean I have a submissive spirit inside of me.

The closest I’ve ever come to a D/s experience has been a little light
bondage of the bathrobe belt and bedpost variety. With my knees tied
apart with thick terrycloth belts and my wrists fastened to my knees, I
felt oddly comfortable and relaxed. I delighted in the feeling of
exposure as much as I enjoyed the sense that I was helpless and had to
let him do what he wanted to me. I also liked that I could relax and be
done to, rather than having to reciprocate (not that I don’t like
reciprocating!). And, while everything but the bound knees and wrists
was very vanilla, being bound made all the vanilla things he did to me
that much more pleasurable…and naughty.

Years after that experience I became involved with a man online. M is
not a Dom, and would probably scoff if you suggested he was someone
who’d fit into the bdsm world. But he does admit that he’s protective
and possessive and he was flattered when I told him I was attracted to
his strong nature and his protectiveness. In other conversations, he
said things to me that tweaked some very deep, almost imperceptable
reactions that I didn’t understand at all at the time. The only way I
could describe it to myself was that he was “pushing my buttons.” I knew
I liked what he said, the images he invoked, the feelings they
created…but I didn’t understand why. And I didn’t connect those
feelings with any kind of known behavior.

He would talk about pulling my hair so he could tip my head back to kiss
me. He described pushing me against a wall with my hands held tightly
over my head and having his way with me. When we were in an open chat
room together, his possessiveness of me didn’t make me rankle, it made
me proud. And I was even more proud to be the one who had M’s special,
though secret, devotion over all the other women who flitted around him
like moths around a porch light.

And then there are the crushes I get on men who are in positions of
power or dominance over me at work. It’s happened at least three times
now. It was a complete bedazzlement in one case, and I got to the point
where I had to give myself a mental slap on the face and yell “snap out
of it!” to myself. If I hadn’t, I know I’d have eventually done
something foolish and possibly jeopardized my job.

It wasn’t until I started questioning these feelings recently that I
realized I might be submissive. I finally made the connection between
the very deep and private feelings I was having, and the intellectual
awareness I’d gained about D/s by participating in an erotica writer’s
group online. But one major thing did not fit…I never fantasized about
being spanked or flogged, and I never suspected myself of being
attracted to pain.

So, one day, I wrote a message to that erotica writer’s group, asking
the members if it’s possible to have a D/s relationship that doesn’t
include pain play. I received many very kind and interesting answers
from various members of the group. Jane was particularly helpful. She
was concerned that asking questions about these things in an open forum,
admitting to being a submissive, might expose me to attention from
people who might take advantage of my naivety and inexperience in their
world.

Since then I’ve been exchanging emails with a wonderful, knowledgeable
and patient Dom, a friend of Jane’s she introduced me to, who has been
graciously answering all my questions and explaining how things can be
between an experienced Dom and his submissives. The more he tells me,
the more I recognize things I’ve felt or fantasized about, or even done,
myself. He spoke of marking his subs with his initials. I once took a
photo for M of one of my nipples with M’s name written around it in ink.
I’ve also often asked lovers to leave me with a nice dark hickey in a
discreet place on one of my breasts…a lovely memento of a special time
together. My correspondent has suggested that I might find I would enjoy
a certain level of pain if I was introduced to it properly, and I
suspect he may be right. At least, I’m now highly curious to find out
for sure! And I’m intensely curious about “subspace.” He’s explained
about possible dynamics between a Dom and sub and the things he would
expect of a sub, should she be his. Almost everything he says rings true
to me, or at least makes me want to find out more.

My explorations have now also encompassed membership in two online
web-based communities where I can communicate, either through forums or
live chats, with people in the bdsm community all over the world. It’s
fascinating to read of their experiences, their tastes, their dreams and
fantasies and the reality of living as a kinky person in a vanilla
world. In all of this questioning and exploration and learning, I’m
discovering that kinky and vanilla people have a lot more in common than
most vanilla people would guess. And aside from some specific practices
that I don’t find appealing, much of what goes on in a D/s relationship
does sound very appealing to me.

So now, as in all things I explore, there comes the time when I will
need to find someone to explore *with*. A Dom who will understand my
inexperience and know how to coach me along so I won’t be frightened
away or have a bad experience. A Dom who will have that particular blend
of power and tenderness that so appeals to me. And a Dom who I can
genuinely admire and hopefully come to love. I am not interested in kink
for kink’s sake. I want a relationship, I want that deep-down tugging at
my innards that only comes when my emotions are involved.

There are so many variations and permutations of D/s relationships that
it seems miraculous to me that any two people with just the right
combination of desires, kinks and personalities could ever find one
another. And it’s not only the doubt that someone just right for me is
out there, it’s also the necessity of putting myself out there so we
might find each other. It’s difficult enough to show up to a meeting or
luncheon with group of like-minded strangers when it’s something like a
book club or a movie appreciation group. It’s terrifying to think about
presenting myself to a group of strangers whose reason for gathering is
to find kinky sexual partners or simply talk about “the lifestyle.” It
will feel like walking naked into a crowded barroom.

So I’ve decided I may approach an ex lover who had a very open mind, and
who I now suspect may be quite open to the idea of bdsm, if he isn’t
already into the practice of it. I will invite him to accompany me to a
“munch” where I can meet some people and possibly get invited to a play
party where I can see all this amazing, mysterious and tantalizing stuff
in person…and maybe even try out a thing or two.

Wish me luck!

“Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.”
–H. Jackson Brown

Jane here:

I love what Pat writes. It resonates very much in me because my own experience is very similar. Mostly, lack of it. I have had these same sexual fantasies of being totally passive through bondage, where I ‘give over’ myself to another. (Or actually, giving over was only recently acknowledged by me. I visualized myself tied in shibari, perhaps with one of my kimonos on, but that is all I saw. I was afraid to take it to another level, the sexual usage level) This might be giving over total control and trust to a person where I can allow myself to be a completely sexual being without some of the ‘disconnect’ I sometimes feel with sex. That passivity that would be a great relief.

In a sense, it would be almost therapy. An escape from the responsibilites of having to think, from having to always return the favor. By being under the power of a strong, controlling presence, it might evoke feelings of safety and protection, even for that little while.

I have always steered away from this, afraid what it ‘said’ about my own psyche. I had deeply implanted issues about being ‘used’. Now I realize that being used, in such ways, would be freeing.

Very recently, I was in a situation where this could have happened, but I was too afraid to allow it after all. Things kept coming into play that made it impossible, not the least by my behavior. I threw up roadblocks constantly.

I purposely acted the brat. I petarded things from happening, from experiencing this.

I now realize that my fear of knowing more about these things kept me from exploring these issues that Pat talks about.

I fought issues of my submission, even what submission was, but it has been a rather long and rocky road on that issue. Now? I am more open to what it means, and I am savoring others experiences. They are helpful, not exactly roadmaps, but that is the reason I started this thread on my blog.

I am very grateful for all who have been so candid with their work, practice and experience. Even those I have resisted. They perhaps are the most valuable in the long run.

Lady Nyo

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