The Point of Being Adult

Lord knows I have some other things right now to do besides write a blog entry, but that is the privilege of having a blog…you can blab all you want.  Your friends and dear ones will listen.

The thumb-biters don’t count.

There are a couple of things on my mind…blurry as it is because my sleep cycle has been disrupted by trying to get this latest ms together, and all the attendant stuff to publish a book.  Like cajoling people to write blurbs.  And attending to friends who are in distress right now and those who need to make  some changes in their lives ..even in little steps.

One dear friend has discovered that her husband of 15 years has mild to moderate dementia..Alzheimers?  I am not spelling that correctly and my spell check is asleep/disabled or ignoring me this morning…but it’s a tragedy in any case.  The dementia, not the spell check.

This man isn’t that old, in his early mid 60’s, but for the past 5 years he’s exhibited ‘the signs”.

My friend is running away from it all. Constant trips around the country, sure that there will be total chaos when she comes home, which happens from trip to trip, and just not knowing what to do.

And what do you say?  I’ve tried to talk to her about the wonderful world of counseling out there, and she’s been through that before, but for her own benefit.  I would think that now is the time to throw this issue in the lap of a competent counselor.  If not now, I don’t know when.

But we can’t force people to do as we think, even when we see the pain they are in.  So I will continue to listen where she talks, or writes, and apply patience and try not to push.  It’s not easy because two people are involved and she’s  overwhelmed in her own pain.

For now, it’s lunches and endless cups of tea, and just hugs…and mostly applied ears.  But I can’t begin to know her pain.  And it and her confusion and fear must be enormous.

We wait all our lives to grow up, and then when we are….these are the things that grown ups do. Our roles are clear, but damn if we want them.  But we have paid the price of admission in life and if we can’t be there for the traumas of our friends, what worth do we have?

I don’t know, but I  feel what she is going through. In part because I am almost 9 years older than my dear husband and sometimes I wonder if  he wonders the same about me.  I forget things, I can’t find the words and things are thusly:  “Go get that thing out of the car/drawer/closet/fridge, etc”.  “Thing” has many meanings and I can’t remember what it’s name is.  IF I think s-l-o-w-l-y….Thing gets it’s proper name….but slowing down life is an effort.  For some reason my son and husband always comes back with the proper ‘thing’ so I guess I’m not that ‘out there’ yet.

I am not a sadist, but lately I have thought about my own level of cruelty.  Life does not force us to be so, not if we are mindful of the consequences, but we can be blind to them.  We are caught up in the moment of insult/slight/offense/and sometimes hatred.  Sometimes certain people can really push our buttons….and the reptilian brain kicks in.  Some people do this because they are churls and delight in the hurt, but we have to remember we have choices.  We can chose to walk away and ignore.  Perhaps that is what being an adult is.  At  least part of it.

Perhaps the most important part of being an adult is the compassion we can show without being embarrassed.  What is the point of having empathy if we don’t use it for another’s pain and need?

Even behind the words of a thorough-going sadist there is a lot of pain somewhere….deep down there.  It’s not easy to know how to respond, but perhaps this is where we fail the most to be adult.

Lady Nyo

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6 Responses to “The Point of Being Adult”

  1. Stefano Says:

    Kudos to you for being an ear. Life throws us curve ball and we never know where they are coming from and even though we vow to be ready, it seems we are not really prepared.

    Like

  2. ladynyo Says:

    Hi Steve….glad you came here.

    Yes, you are very right. Life does these nasty things and we are never prepared.

    I think that is why we need the community of close friends.

    God knows I couldn’t have survived a lot of times without ears…..yours, too.

    Jane

    Like

  3. Margie Says:

    Cups of tea and an ear, while not solving the problem, can surely sooth the uncertainty of the unknown, if just for a time. I hope your friend can face reality soon – there is help out there to cope and I hope she finds it.

    Love you for being you!

    Like

  4. ladynyo Says:

    Some do and some don’t…lol….”love me for being me.”

    You are very right…there is a lot of help out there to cope, but I don’t know. I think we can go round and round in circles for a long time before we realize that we either need fresh eyes for the situation or just can’t do it alone anymore.

    I am worried about her because she is off and running from this situation and it’s bound to get worse at every pass.

    But I know some of what she is afraid of. That ‘unknown’ is a powerful pull into an alien orbit. I had it too, and I was sure that no one would understand. Some therapists are ‘built’ for some stuff, and others seem to complicate the issues because they have a ‘moral’ judgment to their opinions….their morals. It’s a crapshoot, as is much in life.

    There comes a point I think when you are dealing with someone’s life that isn’t your own where you have to give it up to a more distanced party. You don’t have the clarity of vision to decide the future….and as to your own, you will be carrying a lot of guilt.

    I’m hoping my friend will come to that reality, but right now, she’s just scared of the future.

    Like

  5. shia1 Says:

    I think, that she is probably somewhat in denial. Until she accepts the facts she won’t be able to fully help him either. It is a hard road God has given her to walk. Your friend will come around, it will take time. She probably feels anger too. Anger can be unhealthy, it can cause all kinds of stress. I believe she has her own demons to deal with.

    It is good she has you as a friend. I value your friendship as well.

    shia

    Like

  6. ladynyo Says:

    LOL!…we have been through some hell together, neh?? mostly of our own making…

    Better choices through discernment. LOL~

    Yes, she’s in denial, but I would be too without some outside direction. These things are the real issues of life and adulthood. And we want to hold onto our freedoms, mentally and in other ways to a point where we are mixing stuff up and confusion reigns.

    I don’t know,….Anger I can understand. I think of how I would react to the same issues, and I just don’t know. I sure as hell wouldn’t try to go it alone, though. These decisions are the real and important ones once we decide we are adults.

    Jane

    Like

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