“The Peace that Surpasses All Understanding”….

To readers of this blog from the DoNMs website: I can no longer support that site in good conscience.  Details aren’t that important or that interesting, nor do I know much of  anything, except there seems to be a nasty dogfight between different websites that are concerned with the very same issues that we should be all united around: the effects of NMs on our lives.  Personalities, Ego, Competition, flaming, etc…are not the stuff of healthy dialogue about these important issues. Life is TOO good to be involved in what seems to be narcissistic behavior by the very people who should know better.  Who are looked to by others as leaders.

I just don’t have time for stupid bullshit, and I don’t think people who take these issues seriously do either.

However, I appreciate the readers from those different websites here, and you will never be turned away or told you don’t have the right to post your opinions here, whether it is of your religious, political or any other personal values you hold dear.

Lady Nyo

 

People come across this quote from Isaiah in the Bible.   I am not applying this quote in a religious sense.

Recently, my husband, son and I decided to make a radical rupture with a particular part of our family.  Over the years, too many years, there has been a lot of issues, in particular with one member.  The excuse of the behavior of this person can’t be laid on the doorstep of  years, which are many, but  in something more troubling.  Some people came in for a lot of insults, belittling behavior, forms of abuse and just…well, pure hatred.  Some people were held in esteem (few) and many were trashed.  It really depended upon the whims of this person, and it changed like the weather.

When we are children, we have few options. When we are adults, we have choices.  To continue to hope  a person will stop their abuse is rather naive.  Some people are driven by things  others of us don’t understand.  Perhaps they  are driven by jealousy, illusions about their importance in the world, competition, and other strange things.  Sometimes family members who surround such a person feed this narcissism because they don’t have the stones to walk away. Some use their religion to excuse what they do.

 John has an answer to this:  “When you see evil, you walk away.” 

 In my estimation, evil isn’t something with horns and a forked tail: it’s the conscious abuse of people who are vulnerable or just available.   It’s the pointed abuse of children, adults,  and after years of this behavior, it is more than ‘abuse’….it becomes a conscious evil.  It can become random, without thought by the abuser, and these people know the effects.  They take a  delight in what they have done to another.  With some people, they just see others as prey.

It took me a long time and some pretty intense therapy, but I realized  I was deeply afraid of this person.  There was no trust: this person’s behavior did not inspire trust or comfort.  This person inspired self-doubt, undercut positive things I and others had done.  Why have someone like this in your life?  They may be an important fixture in the family of origin, but living like this, never being able to trust the behavior of this person from one day to the next…well, this is hell.  And my little family decided we didn’t deserve this hell.

There are certainly ‘benefits’ for those who surround the main irritant:  by being ‘yes men and women’ to these disturbed people, by keeping their heads down, they don’t become the targets of these people.  But this is really a sort of slavery.  (and you can’t really trust this main irritant. Given time, the target changes)

Our little family, with the support of others, in particular our family counsellor and what was to become a new spiritual ‘home’ decided we could do better.

But why stop there?  We also decided to clean our lives of people who really weren’t on a positive track: this was hard because we want to give the benefit to all people and not act like the ‘main irritant’, (‘loved ones’ were disposable) but we also knew  a lot more was at stake.  The ‘health’ of our little family was our priority.

We decided to start attending the Unitarian Universalist congregation here in Atlanta.  I was nudged repeatedly by some good people before, but just didn’t think we would ever find a place where we were comfortable with the dogma of religion.  We wanted to protect our ‘religious intellectualism’, we wanted no creeds, no signing on the bottom line.  We wanted to sit a spell and feel a gathering spiritual energy and see if it permeated our own hearts.

So, these past few months have been a heady sort of change:  making that rupture with family who are abusive and finding a spiritual place where we can investigate questions, beliefs, and see how they hold water, where we feel there is growth….

And, one of the best realities is this: the majority of the world is NORMAL. They function in normal, loving, compassionate ways. 

We have relaxed with the knowledge  we have escaped something depleting of dignity.   Constant walking on eggs, constant fear  whatever is said or done is taken in the wrong way. There was no win-win situation there. This is no way to live…and you have to sum up what is on the other side: is it something you want in your life? Or is it something you just have to endure until the abuser is gone?  We decided to make our escape now. It had gone on too long.

Well, this has become a time of “Peace that Surpasses All Understanding”.  It is a peace that we didn’t think possible, but we had to clear out the underbrush to see the possibilities.

Lady Nyo

I have always known

That at last I would

Take this road, but yesterday

I did not know that it would be today.

Narihira, 9th century Japanese poet

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6 Responses to ““The Peace that Surpasses All Understanding”….”

  1. Steve E Says:

    Don’t know if this is biblical, but, “When the student is ready, the ‘teacher’ will appear.” Looks as if you’ve been receiving some appearances–of teachers. And for your acceptance of their messages, I say to you–Brava!

    PEACE, always!

    Like

  2. ladynyo Says:

    Hi Steve!

    I think that is a Buddhist saying….but it is a good one! LOL!

    Steve, this has been a struggle all my life…for many, many decades. For decades I had no knowledge, no concrete knowledge of what was wrong in this dynamic. Only in the past 5 years through therapy did I get some understanding what was going on here. Then, when you get some knowledge, you are faced with what in hell do you do with it? Is the situation possible to change for the better? In some cases, it is possible…but we are talking about a long-term personality disorder. NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) doesn’t get ‘cured’….because the Narcissist doesn’t come in for therapy. They think they are ‘perfect’ or certainly without blame. It’s the rest of the world who is wrong.

    Only recently did I realize the futility of trying to ‘connect’ with this person further. I realized also that fear of this person played a large part in my behavior. I never could trust what this person would do from one time to another. Finally, I realized this person never did understand what love means….can’t, as to most narcissists, it just means narcissistic supply. The world really does revolve around them.

    A few years ago, I met a Narcissist that even had this one pushed to the sidelines…but this Narcissist turned out to be a sociopath. If I had to put a label on this one, I would say he was a ‘sub criminal sociopath.’ Dangerous? Hell yes. He functioned in the world of bdsm, and it took me a while to understand what he was about, and when I finally did, I realized that Narcissism was the least of his problems. For women, he killed the soul. He was, as sub criminal sociopaths are, very concerned what society thought of him so he skirted the edges.

    This person though, helped me understand (through an extreme and horrible example) just how depleting narcissists in general are to dignity and empowerment.

    And I really do believe that though there is random (and pointed) cruelty, sociopathy, madness in this world, the vast majority are wonderful, NORMAL, loving and empathetic people. It’s unfortunate when we come across the worse of humanity. The only solution is to move far down the bench from these influences.

    Peace, Friend Steve E. And thank you.

    Lady Nyo

    Like

  3. Margie Says:

    Since we have discussed this privately, I won’t add anymore than this: I am so happy you are finding peace within this difficult decision.

    Love you all!

    Like

  4. ladynyo Says:

    Dear Margie,

    Yes, Peace, but at a price. There is always a price to these things.

    But! I am throwing myself into writing, reading, and poetry. Working on a 9-11 poem that I woke up with in my mouth….you know how these things go.

    What is outside of ourselves, what is around us, is usually of more importance than what is so annoying or those irritants that we come across in life. Or have been in our lives.

    I guess that is the panacea for me….that the world holds so much more than we can possibly imagine, and knowing this, the great things that happen we are given a view of, those things of history, etc. well, this makes for those things that happen inside our lives of diminishing importance.

    Life has such great promise, Margie. To be constantly dragged into the morass of another’s distemper is to cheat the potential of all that is possible. You know this better than I do.

    Love you, coz.
    Jane

    Like

  5. Liras Says:

    Lady, I am applauding loudly for your flight from the madness of others.

    I am pleased with the fact of most people being compassionate but the realty that some are cruel, cold and capricious takes me aback. I have met a few souls in my time that could not accept some of their loved ones were seething shells of hatred. They spent so much time, trying to get past the reality of the perpetually cruel behavior.

    The wise ones cut their losses and moved along.

    Glad you are wise!

    Like

  6. ladynyo Says:

    Thank you, Liras.

    I have found your opinions to be of the ‘first water’.

    Exactly: flight from the madness of others…whatever that madness might be.

    Thank you, Liras. Wisdom didn’t come fast or easy for me. I must be blind! LOL!

    Lady Nyo

    Like

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