Haibun: “Nightmare”
I awoke this morning, being thrown to the ground by a nightmare. What would make me dream in garish technicolor about a marriage ended over three decades ago? It ended badly, but it also started the same. We were too young, and caught up in a ridiculous political cult where he was the ‘revolutionary leader’ while I was of a much lesser status in life and marriage. The abuse grew constant and I, not having the strength to physically abuse, honed my words to the sharpest point.
When you lay down with dogs you get up with fleas….
Perhaps this nightmare was a product of what we have seen on the national stage: misogyny, attempts at humiliation, fear and a bullying of weaker elements in society. Whatever brought this nightmare of a person into my subconscious, one I have not thought of in years, whatever made me sit up gasping for breath, I walked around my house in the grey dawn, touching furniture, mantels, grateful for the gentle, kind man married to for 32 years, looking through large windows at the old apple tree that gave us such wonderful fruit this year. Walking outside, the raw late fall dawn cleared my mind and gladdened my heart: The finally-changed leaves and the whipping, smoky wind, the peal of the different wind chimes were like church bells calling me to a reality that life is good and a nightmare is just a bad dream that will vanish like a rotten apple in time
Fall’s crispness compels
Apples to tumble from trees
Worms make the journey.
–
Jane Kohut-Bartels
Copyrighted, 2016
Tags: abuse, ex marriage, Haibun, nightmare
Lady Nyo's Weblog 
November 19, 2016 at 5:24 pm
I am thankful you found a gentle partner, after the abuse. You will appreciate him even more, having known the opposite. I resonated very much with this piece, Jane, having traveled the same pathway. In my case, my soul mate turned out to be a big black wolf. Worked for me, LOL.
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November 19, 2016 at 9:04 pm
I know, Sherry. A wonderful, devoted and loving unconditionally friend. You are also blessed in that choice and experience. I was feeling that Stripy had that also for me. Too short a life and today, the 3rd week of finding him dead has still weighted heavily on my heart.
Women are abused as long as misogyny, in any form, is there. I am grateful for his gentleness and his support. I have always felt that he makes me a better person because he is a shining example of ‘goodness’.
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November 19, 2016 at 10:08 pm
You are now in safe hands. Nightmares feel so real and tend to linger around us in our waking state at times. I do think nightmares of this kind are a letting go of stuff that had not been worked on yet in our subconscious mind. It enables you to heal it during your sleep state.
How wonderful to benefit from your great apple tree. What kind of apples?
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November 19, 2016 at 10:25 pm
Weren’t not sure. Home Depot about 30 years ago…and said “Red Delicious” but not of that variety. They are mostly green with pink and red stripes. The flesh is very firm and very sweet. I think they may be an older variety, maybe gala but I think not. Made a lot of applesauce this late summer. No sugar needed.
Nightmares do feel real. I’ve dreamt of him before, but this was horrible. When I was in hospital right after surgery to be able to carry a baby, while I was in there, he was about to date my nurse. Horrible memory. I am now in safe hands. Funny, the last day of therapy with my wonderful, elderly Bavarian therapist, we discussed that in 12 years, I had never brought him up. Yes, the poison remains, but it is only trickle now, not a river. Thank you, Helene.
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