Haibun Monday: “Seasons Change”

Autumn colors from my bathroom window

Komorebi:  the Japanese word for  light filtering, that time between summer and autumn., seasons changing. It is more extensive than what I write here, so read what Kanzen Sakura over at dversepoets.com says.  She is hosting Haibun Monday and her prompt is this.    There are sure to be some marvelous haibun (short paragraphs that originally were travel notes….) ending with a  relating haiku.

Lady Nyo

 

Seasons Change

 

Autumn wind startles–
Lowered to an ominous
Key—Ah! Mournful sounds!
The fat mountain deer listen-
Add their bellowing sorrow.

 

 

The ginkgo filters  sunlight, the ground a crescent- printed cloth fit for a yukata.  It hits my hands and feet, creating white scars that do not burn.  I welcome the sun.  My bones grow thin.

This passage, from summer to fall, eternal movement of Universal  Design, counts down the years I have left.  There is so much more to savor.  Two lives would not be enough.

Tsuki, a beggar’s cup too thin to fatten the road, still shines with a golden brightness, unwavering in the chill aki wind. The Milky Way reigns over all.

 

Sharp moon cuts the sky

 Fierce wind howls from the mountains

Disturbs dragonflies.

 

–

Jane Kohut-Bartels

Copyrighted, 2017

 

 

“Musings On A Closing Day”

MUSINGS ON A CLOSING DAY

Moving my chair outside
to observe Mt. Fuji-
that monstrous  perfection
with the cooling crust
of spring snows,

I see languid movements
of  a branch
like a geisha
unfurling her arm
from a gray kimono
making petals fall,
a scented, pink snow
covering my upturned face
with careless kisses.

Timid winds caress
my limbs,
bringing relief
to old and tired bones
brittle now with life’s argument
and sullen defeat.

Standing within my garden,

The raked sands of
waves are hardly disturbed
by feet like two gray stones
and grains flow
round ankles and
I realize once again
I am no obstacle to
the proverbial ‘sands of time’.

My heart is quieted
by the passage of nothing
for in this nothing
is revealed the fullness of life.

Jane Kohut-Bartels
Copyrighted, 2009

A reader, and friend, and a very good writer in his own right, Berowne, sent in a crit of  this poem.  I post it below and my answer to him.

From Berowne:

Thanks for sharing these!
Here are some comments, interspersed with the text.

>
> MUSINGS ON A CLOSING DAY
>

Perhaps “the close of day” instead? “Closing day” suggests to me the
opposite of “opening day”, say of baseball season.

> I move my chair
> to observe Mt. Fuji-
> monstrous perfection
> with the cooling crust
> of spring snows.
>

I wonder if there is a way to avoid the implication that the crust of snow
is itself cooling down (my first thought was of a crust of molten lava),
rather than itself lending a coolness to the scene.

> Languid movements
> of a branch
> like a Geisha
> unfurling her arm
> from a gray kimono
> makes petals fall,
> a scented, pink snow
> covering my upturned face
> with careless kisses.
>

Very nice! Is there a reason why “Geisha” is capitalized?

> Timid winds caress
> my limbs,
> bringing relief
> to old and tired bones
> brittle now with life’s argument
> and sullen defeat.
>

That one is my favorite of the five.

> Raked sands of garden
> waves are hardly disturbed
> by feet like two gray stones
> and silica flows
> round ankles and
> I realize once again
> I am no obstacle to
> the proverbial ‘sands of time’.
>

“Silica” seems oddly technical here; maybe a line like “as the grains flow”
would avoid that. And using the well-known phrase “sands of time”, and
declaring that it’s proverbial, drives home the metaphor very very
forcefully where subtlety might be more appropriate, letting the reader make
the connection.

> My heart is quieted
> by the passage of nothing
> for in this nothing
> is revealed the fullness of life.
>
> Jane Kohut-Bartels
>
> Copyrighted, 2009
>

My answer to his crit.

Lady Nyo:

Hi Berowne,

I think perhaps it isn’t clear that this is ONE poem, not a string of small
poems or tanka?

Perhaps reread it that way and you will see something else in the poem…but
considering I write a LOT of tanka…..I can understand how you would read
these as ‘small poems’.

Perhaps “the close of day” instead? “Closing day” suggests to me the
> opposite of “opening day”, say of baseball season.
>
ROTF….never thought of it that way! But I can see what you are implying.

Is there a reason why “Geisha” is capitalized?

I struggled with that.  Originally geisha wasn’t…and I think it should go
back that way.  Thought I would try it capitalized, but good catch.

“Silica”….LOL!…that was a last minute change as I changed the sentence
structure, but then had the same ‘sand’ twice.  “Grains” have a promise.
Subtlety?  Ok…let me think of this…

Actually, rereading this, Berowne, and I see that they ‘are’ little
poems…each stanza stands alone actually, or could.  LOL!..I never saw that
myself!  Thank you.  I think my brain is stoppered up with tanka form.

Thank you, Berowne for reading and your comments.  Made the author see this
poem in a different light.  That is got to be good.

Peace,
Lady Nyo

I do think it is interesting that this poem presented itself to Berowne as a series of 5 small poems.  That to me is very interesting…and I think rather good!  Hopefully it means that the five stanzas are strong enough to stand on their own.

Well, Berowne makes a lot of sense in his crits, and I am very grateful for his reading and his comments.  This is the reason we work again, and again, on our poetry….because it is many layered when it is best…or develops that aspect.

Or so I think.

Lady Nyo