Control and Power……

In the context of the current discussion about Pain and Pleasure, many other issues have been revealed.

A lot of my friends and some of the blog readers know a while back I left a relationship that had some of these characteristics. At that time, I really didn’t know what or where I was heading. It wasn’t a sexual, love or any kind of this stuff-relationship. It was more of a Domination and submission relationship, but I didn’t really recognize even that. I didn’t know much about the sadist, or what propelled him in his thoughts or behavior, and I certainly didn’t know much about why I would have any interest in all of this. What started a pure curiosity became something very different. I was hooked intellectually, and probably emotionally to the whole issue.

But I sure fought all of the above because I was sure that it didn’t apply to me. I think I was in more than denial.

Only after leaving this particular relationship…months later…. did I start to be able to sum it up from the outside. That removal of myself allowed me to think in a more detached method. That was good.

I missed many things, many markers in that previous relationship that would have given me some sense of where I was and where I was going, but I was too raw and obtuse to understand it all. I rejected this stuff as ‘non-applicable’.

One of the issues most obscure to me was the issue of ‘why do sadists do what they do?’ Is it just a matter of delivering pain and them sitting back and enjoying the agony of the masochist? Or was it probably something deeper?

I think what I missed was the whole issue of control. I am beginning to understand (duh)…is what is paramount for most sadists is this issue of control. They thrive off this, they feed their egos, they feel powerful when they have the ability to control what is opposite themselves.

This control is power and it comes probably down physically and emotionally.

What I missed here also was something deeper in my own responses, or something so hidden that I couldn’t at that time tap into it. The giving OVER of control…that peaceful, floating feeling where you (for a limited time) can rest within the control of the Dominant. That of course is something that demands trust from both sides, I believe.

I only became aware of all this, as a compelling ‘need’, most recently, and my friends are laughing at me. Especially my male, Sadist friends, but they are suspect anyway because they probably smell fresh blood.

In any case, we collectively will continue to explore these issues on the blog, and I would like to extend an invitation to more sadists to write me in particular about issues of control and power.

It’s good that others have long and fine experience on these things, because I am just opening up both eyes.

Lady Nyo

One Man’s Experience in Domination….

Since the recent postings on Domination and Submission on this blog, I have received a number of queries and statements from men who have been involved in the D/s world. If they have questions I can’t answer, I will direct them to others who have more experience, especially in answering questions of Dominance.

However, lately there are more men writing in about their general experience on this issue. I will post them as they appear, because I think it is very good to hear the first hand experience of men. It seems that many Dominant men don’t talk about their experience and that is a lacking in general.

This from “M” this morning:

My partner and I had some light experimentation with d/s, mostly very light bondage, but not enough of the physical, verbal, and psychological aspects I was looking for. I’m not a sadist or a masochist, but I like sensation. I like getting, or being taken, out of my head. I like the focus d/s demands of both partners. I was generally, and broadly, a top.

I met T through the friend of a friend. Not tall, french, and not what you would call classically attractive. But compelling. She worked from her apartment which was a 10 minute cab ride from my work. We began to get together for lunch here and there. She invited me to meet her at her apartment one time, as she was ‘running late.’

As I stepped into her apartment, she grabbed me and pressed me against the door, kissing me hard, her tongue invading my mouth, her scent, her passion overwhelming me. She put my arms over my head and held them there as she kicked my legs apart and bit my neck.

When she came up for air, she asked, yes or no, if I wanted to continue. It seems like a cliche, like fiction, but she told me what my safeword would be, but it was either continue or leave.

Beyond the mechanics of what occurred, what it meant for me, and I believe for her, was an hour of release, an hour of total focus on each other. We’ve moved on and I’ve since enjoyed learning how to incorporate some of T’s techniques to bring pleasure to submissives and how to tap my inner focus to make it memorable for both partners. Sure, I have my cliches (its amazingly sexy to see a woman in boots and lingerie… well that’s another story).

Thank you, M. It gives us a better sense of the variations on this general D/s theme. Thank you for allowing me to post your words here.

Lady Nyo

The blog is being turned over to others next week,

some Doms and submissives and slaves and other folk. People have kept discussing this issue of D/s and attendant other issues so this will be a clearing board for those things next week.

People have read this today and have asked: Why in the world would you do this to your blog??? You are a writer, not a Domme….

LOL!..well, they are right about that! But we keep having these discussions between us, the Doms and the subs and the slaves and then me…who is struggling to figure out what she is in this context and has decided that she needs to learn more about herself… In the first person! LOL!

So, I decided why not? We keep talking, in separate units and it would be better to have it here than in little bits and pieces.

Besides, this is a safe place for women and men to discuss these issues without some of the issues that happen on other boards…We will be civil and gracious because I hold the delete button and am not afraid to use it…lol.

No, because everyone who has been invited to post their ideas and experiences are good and sane people and have become friends over the past months.  We’ve had many discussions between us,  why not here?

So this is a controlled experiment on a broad subject. Some will express Gorean opinions, some will come from the bdsm scene, and others will have a very different path, but much experience.

There is so far 5 Doms (and more promised) and more than a handful of submissives who are working off a Questionaire. In some cases the Doms have developed their own plans of attack for this blog issue. I am sure that the women will do the same. The Questionaire was just to be a point of guideline, a beginning.

And about those Doms?…..I know them , and have for, with the exception of one, have known them for months. That’s not long in the scheme of things, but they are fierce about protecting women . They all have sharp eyes for predators and frauds and I have seen 3 of them in action. The other 2 have good reputations and I am easy about them for good reasons.

So this has potential of being productive and for a lot of questions being answered. I hope. People so far are taking this with some measure of interest.

Some of the submissives are new and some have years of experience. Some of these gals are slaves. They come, as do the Doms, from many orientations. Some are Gorean. Some are not. We are going to see what commonalities we can find amongst us. We are going to try to hold the peace.

No one is restricted to the 8 questions, which are pretty fundamental, but are encouraged to write their own issues and experience.

It should be an interesting time of investigation into Domination and submission issues and different points of view and practice.

I am hopeful, but I have reason to hope. I like all that are contributing.

Lady Nyo