Forgiveness and Healing…..

Sandhill Cranes

I’m probably going to regret this in the morning, but I have friends who are pushing me out of a particular shell.

In the past year I withdrew from a lot of people because I was pissed off about a lot of things.  Some of my own making, by either my ignorance or awkward handling.  I withdrew from certain parts of interesting life experiences because they were smeared, in my mind, with a lot of pain and just too much trouble to figure out.

I told myself I was through with a particular ‘scene’ …that these people were not friends, only acquaintances, and we had little in common.  Well,  things took some sharp detours in spite of what I was determined to leave behind.

Though I attempted to desert friends, they didn’t do the same to me.  They remained constant and I remained arrogant to their inquiries.  This went on all summer as I tried to disappear behind self righteousness .  The thaw came later when I went back to dancing in a serious way.  Perhaps the warmth of muscles waking up and the pain of sinews stretching and twisting supplanted an emotional pain that started to fade.  I had others to attend to in a real way, and their growth became part of my own.

My friends were there:  the real friends, friends that were determined I was not going to disappear from their lives….nor them from my own.

I see now that all has happened as it should:  Once I could get out of anger I could forgive others and myself; I could begin to heal.

I have reconnected with friends of the past few years, and they know me as I am and always have been:  goofy, attempting to be serious about life, but easily derailed by any enticement that floats my way.

I am blessed.  I have friends that can look beyond the ice or icing and see me better than I can. And they can gather me in again.

And that is the greatest of comfort to me.

Jane

SAMHAIN

Dark mysterious season,

when the light doesn’t

quite reach the ground,

the trees shadow puppets

moving against the gray of day.

I think over the past year

praying  there has been a

kindling in my soul,

the heart opened

and the juiciness of life is

more than the loins,

a stream of forgiveness

slow flowing through the tough fibers

not stopper’d with an underlying

bitterness

but softened with compassion.

This season of constrictions,

unusual emptiness,

brittle like the dried twigs

desiccated by hoar frost

just to be endured.

I wrap myself in wool and

watch the migrations,

first tender song birds which harken back

to summer,

then Sandhill cranes,

their legs thin banners

streaming behind white bodies,

lost against a snowy sky.

They lift off into a middling cosmos,

while I, earth-bound,

can only flap the wings of my shawl,

poor plumage for such a flight,

and wonder about my destination.

Jane Kohut-Bartels

Copyrighted, 2009

SAMHAIN – A Celtic Winter Song

Dark mysterious season,
when the light doesn’t
quite reach the ground,
the trees shadow puppets
moving against the gray of day.

I think over the past year
praying  for a
kindling in my soul,
the heart opened
and the juiciness of life is
more than the loins,
a stream of forgiveness
slow flowing through the tough fibers
not stopper’d with an underlying
bitterness
but softened with compassion.

This season of constrictions,
unusual emptiness,
brittle like the dried twigs
desiccated by hoar frost
just to be endured.

I wrap myself in wool and
watch the migrations,
first tender song birds which harken back
to summer,
then Sandhill cranes,
their legs thin banners
streaming behind white bodies,
lost against a snowy sky.

They lift off into a middling cosmos,
while I, earth-bound,
can only flap the wings of my shawl,
poor plumage for such  flight,
and wonder about my destination.

Jane Kohut-Bartels
Copyrighted, 2009

Spring has Sprung! General Redemption for all.

It’s raining cats and dogs out there for the past three days and of course they would show up at my door.

This entry is going to be a mixture of things because I am trying on all sorts of ideas right now.  Spring is a tender, exciting time of the year.  Too much visual stimulation everywhere you look, but you have to look closely.  There are whole worlds, alien universes, in the tightly furled buds of vines.  There are strange groups of red (forget black) helicopters in the  seed bunches of the Red Maple that fall on the walks. The daffs here are over (the Deep South), but some variations are in full bloom, along with the snowbells I found in clumps thrown into the back 10 acres behind us.  They took root many years ago and spread like the proverbial wildfires across this abandoned acreage.  There are weird stringed neon green pearls/seed clusters falling from the Live Oaks.  There is this noxious pollen all over things, and the days of rain are a blessing for more than the fertility of the earth.

Ah God! I am having to rewrite a book written three years ago, and it’s tough going.  I am delighted with the rain because I have cats curled up, sleeping instead of ripping down things, running around leaping.  They are quiet, peaceable.  The rain effects them, too.  Must be the sleepy ozone in the air.

And I am thinking further about Forgiveness…even for those that don’t deserve it.  Spring does this to me.  It’s a time of regeneration, and turning the heart and mind to higher and more tender things.

So I’m posting some April Cinquains, a jump ahead a bit but not by much.   I’m open to all Cosmic favors.

Lady Nyo

APRIL CINQUAINS

Go now,
My heart shudders.
Little else can be said.
How cold I have become to you!
(bastard).

Listen!
The brook murmurs,
It shames us with knowing
Secrets we have kept well hidden.
Traitor.

All are
Deeply asleep.
There is nothing to keep
The moon racing to open arms.
Embrace!

Try it.
Soften your heart.
See what solace it brings.
A velvet glove that caresses,
Tender.

The Soul,
Like the new moon
Refreshes, born again
And I write down:  “Live in the light”.
I begin to obey,
Shedding shame, joy-
Fully!

Water
Washes my fear
Away like small, pale sins.
Then I begin to go naked,
Shedding doubts like snake skin,
Dancing!

Sandhill
Cranes, spring appears
Like white arrows the sky
Is pierced with their honking tribute
Homeward!

Roses
Bend their white heads
Polite bowing to the ground
Like courtiers that seek favors
Shameless.

I live
In sadness on
This pale spring moon-lit night,
My body thin, like a
Flower dropped from heaven
Petals scatter,
Forlorn.

(In Memory of Spanky)

Jane Kohut-Bartels

Copyrighted, 2009

Forgiveness and Unconditional love.

I have been discussing this issue of forgiveness and unconditional love with a lot of folks over the past several days. I have had a rocky time with this recently, but I have come to a place where it’s not a question anymore. It must be done by me, but for a better purpose.

Forgiving someone is not the final phase. You have to go on. You have to consider the circumstances of that particular person, the previous relationship, and their capacity in life. Their part of humanity.

Sometimes we don’t consider the objective mental state of a person. Some people are thwarted by life and we need to be gentle with them. Some people are thwarted by their own wiring and can’t help how they behave. They may be dangerous or harmful, but the trick is to not hate them. They know not what they really do. And, although they can make a great hash of things, I choose to believe that they are just not ‘worthy’ of the emotion of hate nor are they worthy of marginalization.

That is the rub. How do you stay healthy yourself and avoid the influences that are not healthy? You put a kind of distance between you and the other, but you don’t dismiss. Not from prayer, whether it is the mumblings to a God, or it is the mumblings to something positive and healing to come into their lives. You must continue this process to work those ‘miracles’ we don’t believe can really happen….for both sides.

Forgiveness is not easy. There is lots of bitterness to share. But bitterness is just hollow and in the end, pointless.

It is a challenge, because sometimes what is opposite you is a raging beast. You don’t poke a raging beast. You only make it rage more. I tend to poke. That is dangerous because I’m not as fast as I should be. I could get trampled. It is also inhuman of me to poke…and ego ridden.

Fuck ego! That is the control mechanism that will keep the barriers up when the barriers to the human heart need to come down.

I don’t have a great barometer when it comes to sensing danger. I tend to think that my own personal ‘light’ will soothe a savage breast. I can get, and do, hurt this way. But I will continue to forgive and give unconditional love to those that hurt because in the end (and the middle and the beginning) they hurt more than I do. I can sense that finally, and that is why I can not only forgive, but go on to accept the other as they are. And love them, or to try. It is something I believe that gets better and easier in the doing.

I must meet them even when they would not meet me. I must give over the endless game of ego.

Sometimes we can see or sense that the humanity in the ‘other’ is still there, maybe burning weakly because of their own issues facing life. Perhaps they have had to build up themselves because of past injury to the psyche and they can’t live now without sucking the esteem from others to add to their meager and always needy supply. Perhaps they feel so unlovable that they can’t tap into that great reservoir that circles our heads: the more we give freely, the more is returned and reinforced.

I wouldn’t have believed this except recently, very recently, I found this to be so. When in great emotional confusion, I was fed and fed until I was so full of the uncondtional love of some people…I was able to stand again and started to realize that I could give it back to the one who hurt the most. The one who needed it the most, and it finally wasn’t me. I was told by many that this person wasn’t ‘worthy’ but I am reckless and was not fearful anymore. I was ready to forgive and and do more. What were they healing me for if not this, a real challenge to the heart and  my own sense of humanity?

IF we can see even a flicker of that humanity still burning inside of another, we are under obligation to humanity, or our concepts of ‘goodness’ or whatever calls to us as something higher than ourselves, to extend our love and forgiveness 40 x 40. Endlessly. We must become rivers of love and compassion to these that need it the most. We must give with joy and constancy to that piece of humanity who must not be marginalized by us, regardless of what they do.

There is nothing else that will serve the issue. We must gather them in.

They are not expendable. They are us.

Lady Nyo