Forgiveness and Healing…..

Sandhill Cranes

Sandhill Cranes

I’m probably going to regret this in the morning, but I have friends who are pushing me out of a particular shell.

In the past year I withdrew from a lot of people because I was pissed off about a lot of things.  Some of my own making, by either my ignorance or awkward handling.  I withdrew from certain parts of interesting life experiences because they were smeared, in my mind, with a lot of pain and just too much trouble to figure out.

I told myself I was through with a particular ‘scene’ …that these people were not friends, only acquaintances, and we had little in common.  Well,  things took some sharp detours in spite of what I was determined to leave behind.

Though I attempted to desert friends, they didn’t do the same to me.  They remained constant and I remained arrogant to their inquiries.  This went on all summer as I tried to disappear behind self righteousness .  The thaw came later when I went back to dancing in a serious way.  Perhaps the warmth of muscles waking up and the pain of sinews stretching and twisting supplanted an emotional pain that started to fade.  I had others to attend to in a real way, and their growth became part of my own.

My friends were there:  the real friends, friends that were determined I was not going to disappear from their lives….nor them from my own.

I see now that all has happened as it should:  Once I could get out of anger I could forgive others and myself; I could begin to heal.

I have reconnected with friends of the past few years, and they know me as I am and always have been:  goofy, attempting to be serious about life, but easily derailed by any enticement that floats my way.

I am blessed.  I have friends that can look beyond the ice or icing and see me better than I can. And they can gather me in again.

And that is the greatest of comfort to me.

Jane

SAMHAIN

Dark mysterious season,

when the light doesn’t

quite reach the ground,

the trees shadow puppets

moving against the gray of day.

I think over the past year

praying  there has been a

kindling in my soul,

the heart opened

and the juiciness of life is

more than the loins,

a stream of forgiveness

slow flowing through the tough fibers

not stopper’d with an underlying

bitterness

but softened with compassion.

This season of constrictions,

unusual emptiness,

brittle like the dried twigs

desiccated by hoar frost

just to be endured.

I wrap myself in wool and

watch the migrations,

first tender song birds which harken back

to summer,

then Sandhill cranes,

their legs thin banners

streaming behind white bodies,

lost against a snowy sky.

They lift off into a middling cosmos,

while I, earth-bound,

can only flap the wings of my shawl,

poor plumage for such a flight,

and wonder about my destination.

Jane Kohut-Bartels

Copyrighted, 2009

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4 Responses to “Forgiveness and Healing…..”

  1. Berowne Says:

    An appropriate poem for the season. The ending is reminiscent of Dante’s _Divine Comedy_, which begins
    ‘Midway upon this path of life
    I found myself in a dark wood
    The right road wholly lost and gone.

    Yet there I gained such good that, to convey
    The tale, I’ll write what there I found.’

    Like

  2. ladynyo Says:

    Well, thank you!

    Being a bit in Dante’s Divine Presence is lovely.

    Lady Nyo

    Like

  3. Malcolm Says:

    A good step forward, and its connection with your wonderful belly-dancing is wonderful. I hope I am one who has stayed with you through your pain and discomfort. The last thing that people experiencing this kind of thing need is to be deserted by their human connections. Keep writing and dancing! Your blog is still a ‘must-read’ for me.

    Like

  4. ladynyo Says:

    Thank you, and yes you are.

    And thank you for reading the blog.

    Jane

    Like

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